Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A Monkey Opens Up About Her "Social Anxiety" - What Happens Next Will Amaze You! True Confessions of a Half Ass Monkey That's Gone Over The Edge and Lived to Tell

I don't consider writing a quiet, closet act
I consider it a real physical act
When I'm home writing on the typewriter I go crazy 
I move like a monkey
I've wet myself, I've come in my pants writing

Patti Smith 

I started this blog/ journal a while back, but the original post I have decided to hold off on publishing. I've decided it will be more of an ongoing journal of my life. Yes, I lack direction as a writer. But my passion as a storyteller is fierce. Braces yourselves, many cannot handle the truth...

Xana come back again...In 2012 I moved back to Seattle from New Mexico. I was taken to a small venue in Pioneer Square, probably the last time I was there now that I come to think of it. I would move to West Seattle within a few months and began to build my virtual world of monkeys, crows, music, art, tacos...anything and everything that my mind had soaked up over the years. I began to see life differently. Like some sort of hex had been lifted. You might say I got my smile back. 

Privileged to be embraced and what I thought was a small group of people who still loved music. One of my favorite aspects of this rich and exceptionally valuable experience was interacting with all of the people who had been around the Seattle scene since the 80s and who knew my  " old friends " from then ...some who are now known as Grunge Hero's and well you get the point. 
These individuals who share the same memories of the old grunge days and were my first view into what had been going on it Seattle all the years I locked myself away. I eventually found the artist-like Ben Ireland. ...people who had been and still were a part of the tight-knit avantgard community.

I would go and film any event I could find and get to, by bus if I had to.  I would observe some of the greatest performers in Seattle not realizing who they were and how they were all connected.  As a relative novice and outsider  at this point, I would sit and watch in awe. 

With little or no knowledge of who these musicians really were I was not expecting greatness but I found it. I had no   preconceived ideas about what to expect, so there was no feelings of intimidation and fact I found many of them to be quite normal-could it really be that there were good Seattle musicians who were not junkies? Had jobs and wives and kids and were happy and not all whiney like Kurt? 

As my imaginary world became a reality in the form of a website, and I was exposed to a larger more intricate web of people intertwined who'd been playing in Seattle music scene for many years , I witnessed what appeared to be a remarkable balance of passion and hard work.  These musicians could express themselves wholly without apparent inhibition or concern for anything besides playing music. Could it be that grunge was still alive?! 

There were bumps in the road.... I needed to make a big decision on how much of my past I should reveal. I, like many women have a hard time maintaining healthy friendships with women. It has not been easy trusting females who can easily Google me and read stuff that may or may not be true. THey see me, see my life and are sometimes jealous of my life. If they only knew. I get it, it's just silly though. I truly believe any person can be anything and one only has to want it bad enough. 

   I read something recently talking about a friendship that had gone bad. One lady was accusing the other of being " passive-agressive ". The writer, a columnist for the Seattle Times replied with this. Maybe your friend " lacks emotional intelligence " which is not the definition of an " introvert " . Introversion=drained by social interactions. Extrovert=energized by it. Someone who is " introverted can be just as lousy a friend, claiming to " hate confrontation " by avoiding an uncomfortable conversation "  as a passive-aggressive " friend if their mode of communication is to be punitive and defensive. She said " People are just as entitled to give up on a merely annoying and exhausting friendship as they are a bad one. Lastly, labels are suppose to clarify not obfuscate. I will touch more on this later, just know that I know you know, I gots problems!